More Like "Swillard"

First of all, President Millard Fillmore owes me a washing board. It's amazing how quickly "I'll get this right back to you, neighbor!" became "Look, John, I'm really swamped with Congressional elections right now but I'll look for your washing board next chance I get" and then of course, "Sir, if you leave one more flaming bag of feces on the White House doorstep, the Joint Chiefs will classify you as a threat to national security." What that ninny in the Oval Office doesn't understand is that it's not about the washing board anymore--in fact, I've long since bought a new one*. It's about being a good neighbor. I don't care if you're the President or not, you should follow through on your commitments.

In the years since I lived next door to Fillmore, that washing board has also become a sort of icon of his buffoonery. There was the time he served undercooked veal for dinner and the time I went hunting with Mr. Too-Good-To-Strangle-A-Turkey. There were all those hoedown invitations he ignored, and the time he tore up my garden and ate all my petunias and sank so low as to leave deer droppings at the crime scene to throw me off. (He'll deny it to the day he dies, but I just want to know what kind of sick individual collects fresh deer droppings.) So just last year when good old Zach Taylor kicked the bucket and the torch of the Presidency was passed into Fillmore's fumbling hands, it became clear that only an insider like me could show the American people President Dirty Dingus McGee's true colors.

For those of you new to the anti-Fillmore cause, this is the latest in my series of dedicated efforts to get the message across that Millard Fillmore is a donkeyknocker. While I am certainly most notorious for my Saturday morning marches down Pennsylvania Avenue wearing a picture of Millard Fillmore with a hairy penis drawn on his forehead on a sandwich board, there are also the cause's lesser-known steps forward. For about fifteen seconds last Friday night, for instance, entering the word "Jerk" on Wikipedia redirected users to the Millard Fillmore article, which included photos from Fillmore's lesser-known days as a grime-slicked sewer rat. When Wikipedia very uncoolly blocked my account and removed all of the relevant trivia I had affixed to said article [did you know Millard Fillmore spelled backwards is Satan Sandwich?] I formed this blog to unify the small segment of Americans who recognize that I've passed gas more equipped to lead this country than old Failmore.

Before I wrap up this inaugural post, an extra-special screw-you to the political analysts who run the slightly more popular blog "Millard Fillmore is a jerk", thus forcing me to title mine in the past tense. No, I'm not going to link to it, and don't Google it either. It deals with all sorts of superficial issues about party divisions and tariff reforms. I'm discussing the issues that really matter, like the fact that once I saw "Smellmore" leave the outhouse without washing his hands.

Keep reading
-a friend

*Actually, I keep meaning to buy one but anti-Fillmore-related activities keep me pretty busy. That's okay though, I never really used or even knew how to use the old board.